First love is scary because it’s like “holy crap, why is this person the first thing I think of in the morning, why am I disappointed when I don’t dream of them? Why is the desire to be with them so much stronger than hunger and thirst and exhaustion? Why does their name look so pretty written down? Why do I feel like I just fell out of a 30 story building when they look at me, and why do I like it?” And you become so comfortable with them that when they leave, your body doesn’t know how to react because they were as common to you as breathing, and now you’re missing a vital part of yourself. You forget that you were someone before them. You think “I was so empty until I met them.” No, you were full. And when you learned about love, you were fuller. Now you’re back to where you were before, and you need to fill yourself with other things. Fall in love with the way sunflowers naturally curve to face the sun, and the way children have no idea about taxes. Fall in love with the fact that you’re here and you’re still able to feel. Fall in love with the idea that you’re still whole, even when it’s 3 am and you can’t remember how to breathe because you think they taught you how to do that.
Good things can haunt you the same way as bad things can haunt you. Good memories can leave even more of a mark or a scar on your heart as the bad times, and the bad memories, and the slamming doors, and the fights. So when I say that I write about things that haunt me, they’re not always about bad ghosts.
The worst thing is, I can feel myself wasting time… all of the hours I spend feeling depressed/overwhelmed/stressed/alone/miserable I know for a fact that in a year, two years, I’ll look back and think “… wow I wasted my entire adolescence depressed and unhappy” And despite my knowledge of this, there isn’t a single thing I can do to stop feeling this way